0/100 Grasp

It seems like everything is very far away from my grasp with my loving friends and that if I try to overstretch myself, I will be falling into a cliff. I don’t think that I will be able to reach it and finally be able to break free from my past hurts and pains. There is just one option that I knew might work and that if someone would realize that I am in a big trauma of trusting others with all my heart. Can someone break the walls that I set or climb it until he reaches its height? I don’t know if there are still people who’s willing to smash the walls I had built for these years. I wish there were no boundaries nor delimits, but this is me now.For many reasons, I have changed not for the better. I somehow perceive things as me being a walking dead on this earth. It’s hard to always keep your emotions intact when you can freely express it. I want to cry but I can’t or I just couldn’t? I want to shout but I don’t want others to hear my screams and cries! I want to be alone, but I just want someone to understand me. I wish I could fly with the breeze of air that gently touches my skin – it calms me. Like the birds on the top of the trees lying on their nests, I want to rest and sing my own chirps.

There is really no turning back and time pushes me forward.Before, whenever I see my ancient days, I am a bit filled with regret. But there is no more regret now, only jealousy with it. How abundant was I with joy and happiness. It was like my cup was filled with an overflowing honey – so sweet that everything that I could see is appreciated. No matter how big or small – it doesn’t matter anyway - because I can see that everything is worth rejoicing for. Down with my short trip on my memory lane, filled with colors of black, red and blue. It all tells me that life has its seasons. I can see the turn of the wheel from top to bottom, from peace to chaos, from being made whole to being broken and to being full and then made empty. Oh past that I have that could never be brought back!

Living with the moment is what I need to realize. I want to see beyond these new emotions that I am trying to deal. I want to master taking risks and love more than ever. I don’t want to feel pain, but if feeling pain all over again means that I am alive - I will take chance. If trusting others signifies that I have let go of the scars of those whom had broke It, I will.I will take chances after chances. I will take it step by step. I will move even if it tries to pull me down – even if my burdens push me below – I will not quit.

But, I wish that at the end of these struggles – I have friends to welcome me and accept me. Yes, I am in pain and I am afraid to be judged? Yes, my heart is in a trembling earthquake and I am troubled to be rejected? Yes, my mind is in great disorder and I don’t know where or to whom should I start believing and trusting.

It has been a tuff struggle for me. What I am experiencing will always be relative. To some, it might be a piece of cake. I grew up like this but I know I can change who I am. But I just wait for whomever will take on and put a bomb on the barricade surrounding my heart, I will just linger to whomever will try to shut down the force field or tear down the barrier that I have raised and finally rescue me from the pit that I dug. Wishing it will be you. Wishing it will be you to whom I will say “Thank you.”. Wishing.. Wishing.. ()

P.S. Please don’t misunderstand the Post =)

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