Decentered 3/17

I am easily stressed these past few days and my patience is almost easily disrupted. Irritation is like a one stay away from me. To admit, the things that I am really facing right now is so energy draining – both mental and physical. Punching walls has been my way to relive the tension or I usually open my Facebook account and browse songs at YouTube then download the music with lyrics that I seem to like.

Catharsis and I would say it once again – CATHARSIS. I badly need someone to talk to at my age level of course and the  same as my level of maturity. Well, I don’t really need any advice; I just need someone to nod at my sharing or to frown when he does not agree with my arguments. To tell yah, I am bit drained because it seems that for the past months – I guess it’s even more than I year – I have not talked to someone who had listened to my complaints or sour-graping. Nevertheless, I know that there are a lot of friends that I have who can, but I doubt if they have time to understand or to listen.

I’m feeling awfully full of distress inside that it bursting and it tries to go out of me. Had you tried the feeling that you wanted to shout and you were concern with the people around you that may think you were crazy? I need some relief. LOL. It seems like tons of miseries had fallen on my shoulders at an instance.

If ever you wondered why I can’t get involve with someone because I can’t even take good care of myself – our room is very messy, I don’t have time to eat breakfast in the morning, I don’t have sufficient time to look at myself in the mirror. That’s how clouded my world is and remind myself to please check my personal planner.

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Outcast 24/7

I really have this strong feeling that there’s an emptiness in my heart right now that bothers me a bit. Is it because I can see that by the end of this semester I will be moving to another place, leaving my comfort zone, my friends, my beloved brothers and sisters in Youth For Christ Langyaw and much more the sweet reminders and comfort of my dear Psych Family are the supportive Guidance and Counseling Center Family. I really wonder why, can you answer me?It’s not really the first time that I had felt it but what I know is that this time is a real big life changing event that is yet to come in my life. How I wish I could stop growing old  and be forever a 20-year old Man and stop seeing the wisdom around me to stop growing up. :(  How I wish I don’t have to think about marriage or where to work but to simply enjoy the fun, freedom and excitement that college life has to offer.If you are reading this blog post, can you relate with me? Am I just being too much of a sentimentalist or allowing the impulsiveness of my emotions to overpower me? Or maybe it’s just normal to feel this way? Many people around the world are experiencing this once or maybe  more often in their lifetime.i just really thought of spending some more time with them. More time to show how I care, show how much I love them, show them how much I care which maybe I had failed to give  my best. It’s a real dilemma that keeps disturbing my being - my individuality.I might be feeling this because after a very long time, I have not been giving my best and just recently I have decided to give more of what has been left reserved in my heart. Finally, I have broke free of my super shield on mode.Right now, I am inspired to Love more like I was never been hurt. Trust like no one has ever broken it. Give cheerful regardless of what I have and moreover Surrender everything to God.Weird isn’t it? How the swing of emotions affects our decisions.  But whatever it is that I am feeling now. Whether it is emptiness or fear.. Our God will always be there for Us. :)For me.. to fill me.. and comfort me. I am missing you all. Will be missing you more. And will constantly pray for everyone whom I love.I am outcast from this feeling of being left behind. I am an outcast from this feeling of emptiness. I am an outcast from this feeling of being alone. God made me an outcast to these by constantly reminding me of His love.  Your also an outcast.  and that’s 24/7.Originally Posted Last:

December 21, 2009 @ 4:08 am

143-143

Its my first time to be far away from home in this semestral vacation. It is my first time to be away from my family for All Saints and All Souls Day. And for the fact, it is my first time to be away from my Brother Leo’s birthday.  I am feeling so alone though i am not lonely. I wanted to go out of our apartment but i have no one to accompany me and I still have a lot of projects to do anyway.

I wonder if things would be different if I went home. I am totally homesick. LOL. I realized few things because of this event. Going home is like our regular prayer time. - our time with God. He is totally missing us and waits for us to speak unto Him.  He is waiting for me to listen to Him and share my experiences with Him. And I failed to go home because I have two hang-ups with my studies. I have two incomplete grades  - one for our thesis Proposal and 2 comes from our school Psychology.  If I have not failed to comply our requirements I would be spending a lot of quality time with my family. I would have shared my experiences to them. Because of my irresponsibility and laziness.

Its like in us. When we pray to God , we realize that we are not ready and humble enough to come in His presence. When we continue to sin and live a double edge life, we are like being pulled by these hang ups for us to totally enjoy our company with Him. We cannot fully enjoy His blessings everyday if We continue living a sinful life.
We are all Called to purity and be always ready. I was not ready to go because I failed to do my best and live to what God expects out of me. I know every time I fail to come unto You, You are totally missing me and gone out crazy craving for me to come and Talk to You. You always wanted me to hear your soft I LOVE you. Your sweet I MISS YOU! Forgive us Lord for our infidelity towards you. Regardless of what the world labels it as big or small - sin is sin unto You and it doesn’t matter if it is a big one or a small one.

My Prayer:

Lord teach us to be humble always in your Presence knowing that You are God and I am not. You are all powerful and I am weak. You are Holy and Righteous and I should be Holy and Righteous. You are Perfect and I should strive for Perfection doing things excellently for Your Name. Help me in my struggle. In Jesus Name. Amen.

P.S. 143-143. God says : I miss you and I love you.

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November 1, 2009 @ 9:50 pm

My God:My Life CFC-YFC RYC 2009

My God, My Life talk 2 creatives

I have felt so much pain in my life about friendship and loving others. Maybe to others, its just an inch of a burden but for me it matters most. I have been broken many times because of treasuring my friends. I consider everyone of them greater than Gold. I love them and I genuinely care for them. Ever since I was young, I experienced pains and had dropped a lot of tears for them, I prayed hard for them and done sacrifices for them. I died myself for them.

Last RYC SHOUT OUT (October 23-25) has been another stop over for me as an avenue for healing. I came to realize that I have been reserving a lot for myself. I was afraid to trust because I am afraid to be hurt. I was afraid to love, because I am afraid to be rejected. I am afraid to give myself, because I might be broken. I am scared of running life. I am scared of loving. I am scared to try because I am afraid to fail. I am afraid to believe because I might be disappointed by the people around me. I am afraid to trust them because they might fail and wound me.

As I came to the conference, I came be satisfied with my thirst to serve God. It was awesome to be part of the General Service team. I was amazed when me, Kent and Rom were in the transportation team. I felt friendship all over again. We were with jason from Zamboanga Norte and we have a real fun talk and tried to get to know each other. It has been a long time since I experienced having nasty jokes and expressing myself.  I treated them with ice cream (except for Jason because he went ahead to practice for the dance for the GIG) and was happy to laugh with the two of them. We waited for the arrival of the delegates and to put Car Pass for their vehicles. Rom bought some bread for us and we really had some funny jokes together. We met one tito who was incharge of the transportation and had a lot of conversation together.

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Answered Before I asked

It was a fine day. I forgot to prepare for our report in the morning for our Ethics of The Profession. I was so disappointed of how I was able to not take responsibility over it. Not to mention it was given to me a month ago. I have nothing to do anyway, I dont want to skip classes. I had to admit to our professor that I was not prepared to report in the class.

Honestly, at that point, I was so concerned about our enrichment activity in SPF the afternoon at 1pm. It was a working holiday. As I rushed to school unprepared, I continued to prayed hard asking Him the purpose of why I was not reminded of my report.

The night before, I was reminded by our Jaime Pagatpat Jr. about the booking for the venue and also, Jeffrey Lozada asked me if I had already prepared the Solicitation letter. I left my phone unattended downstairs and I had read the message around 12 midnight before I slept.

Waking up without any money at hand was a sort of disaster. I have lots of persons to contact and especially the events for the upcoming camp on August 8-9. Astoundingly, without asking,God loaded my phone through my mother. I did not asked her to send me a load. At around 7-8 am, she loaded my phone and it was so amazing..

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Out of Control

One of the most hating part that I had experience in my life is losing control of myself. i don’t wanna be uncertain of the things around me and inside me. I have one great deal of hang ups that keeps me down. It’s hard for me to be attached to someone - emotionally. I tried to figure out why such reactions happen when I get to intimacy with someone. I don’t want others to know me deeper. Somehow, whenever someone reaches a boundary of my inner self - I’ll try to withraw and keep a distance to that person. I don’t want to be manipulated by anyone. There are really thoughts that keeps my mind wonder “why” I came to be this way. i thought of it that maybe because of my previous relationships - and I am pertaining to friendships and intimate bonds. Those were not really broken ones but to put a word to describe it would be a “CUT-OUT” relationships which means that they were not nurtured and were not continued at all. I amit because our relationship ended because of some circumstances aside from conflicts but the thought in me was - I was left behind. Closeness was really something I wanted to have because it follows that the person will be able to understand you and help you grow as a person, would be willing to correct and would laugh and cry with you. Well, i am not actually seeking for these benefits alone but I long to care for someone whom I could call a bestfriend and moreover is the expression that he calls me his too - a mutual friendship in trust. I am not looking for an exclusive friendship but I wanted to experience something different where I couldn’t just hear but taste the connection between our lives. I never experienced a lasting “group” where I was involve with. I am referring to a barkada. To have outings and the same habits and interest is one of my dreams that only be sensed by a closure of my eyelids. I have actually lots of fears and doubts about myself.

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Essence of its Meaning: Life as It is

When I was still a child I thought of asking everyone around me “What is the meaning of life?” or sometimes “What gives life a meaning?”. But, never thought that it would be so mysterious and everyone has his own meaning based on their experiences and on what they have.

A friend told me that life is both a test and a challenge it is because there are lots of trials and sufferings and that everyday we are competing with other people to survive. I said to myself, “that might be the answer.” But, I never ended up searching for answers that would make me be satisfied.

I would recall my mother saying, “Life for me is my family” and that life without us means death to my mother. Love really covered me when II heard her speak those very soft words having fear that can be noticed in the tune of her voice coming out of her mouth.

My wandering never ended in that avenue when I asked our teacher about. “What is the meaning of Life?” and she replied, “Life means simply having fun.” And then she added, “Enjoy life to the fullest for all of us will end up with death.” The last word she spoke with her tongue echoed in my mind – “Death!”. All of us will end up dying and no one could ever escape that.

People around me answered differently or maybe those were just parts of the real answer.

As I sail to find its answer, I never ended up as a failure. I never thought that the answer will just come to me and struck me and there’s no need to search for it because it was all planned - that day when the enlightenment had all happened. When did it happen? How did I know?

It was august 11, 2002 when I joined a camp and I met someone that changed my life and up to now the change continues. That day put a great mark in my life and in my heart and I will treasure it forever.

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0/100 Grasp

It seems like everything is very far away from my grasp with my loving friends and that if I try to overstretch myself, I will be falling into a cliff. I don’t think that I will be able to reach it and finally be able to break free from my past hurts and pains. There is just one option that I knew might work and that if someone would realize that I am in a big trauma of trusting others with all my heart. Can someone break the walls that I set or climb it until he reaches its height? I don’t know if there are still people who’s willing to smash the walls I had built for these years. I wish there were no boundaries nor delimits, but this is me now.For many reasons, I have changed not for the better. I somehow perceive things as me being a walking dead on this earth. It’s hard to always keep your emotions intact when you can freely express it. I want to cry but I can’t or I just couldn’t? I want to shout but I don’t want others to hear my screams and cries! I want to be alone, but I just want someone to understand me. I wish I could fly with the breeze of air that gently touches my skin – it calms me. Like the birds on the top of the trees lying on their nests, I want to rest and sing my own chirps.

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24/7 Moon

I am looking at the moon above me and there is a voice that calls my soul. A realization, a lesson, a parable and enlightenment came into my very weary mind.I always wanted to be a Full Time Worker since I was third year high school. I even told my mother that I would like to quit schooling and become a missionary. She said “you must study first and finish schooling.”. I insisted though and keep thinking about it. Until few weeks later, I knew that I had to take up a degree before I’d be accepted in as one. So, I did my best to finish my studies. I longed to trail blaze. I longed to go some place where the Lord tells me to go - He guiding me every step of the way.

During forth year high school, I though of taking up BS Psychology to be better equipped with the missionary’s work. I wanted to study at UP though but unfortunately I took the entrance exam with an empty stomach and that made me  read every questions more than thrice before comprehending it. So, then, I decided to study in MSU-IIT in Iligan City.

After graduation, I felt an urge to become a priest, but, I want to be a Full Time Worker – not Priesthood. Dissonance came into me bringing me chaos that had stolen the peace I have – my dream. I was torn whether to enter a seminary school or fulfill what I want. What do I want to offer for the Lord? Sleepless nights, loud cries, disappointments, uneasiness – I don’t know what to choose. It seems that God is calling me for Priesthood. Later, I was mystified on how He spoke to me. He said “Why are you still here. I said Go ____ a mission.”. After speaking that to me, peace came into my being.To make the story short, I am now a forth year BS Psychology student of MSU-IIT.

Those events occurred around four years ago and here I am in another crossroad looking for answers to where I should be going. Where do you want me to go, Lord? Until now, my struggles are heavy but with Him, I feel comforted. I am so busy doing our thesis and finishing our hour-requirements for our On the Job Training. I want to find peace. I am drawing closer to the point of choosing my path. I know, He is with me and there is nothing to worry. J He SUSTAINS.

As I search my heart, Full Time Work is invisible. I could see a deep desire to take on a Masters Degree on Psychology and start working. I don’t want to make a choice that will eventually confuse my heart. I just pray that many are praying for more harvesters. If I go for FTW, I pray that my heart would yearn for it.But there has been a change in me.

As I continue to gaze on the moon, I am astounded. I am marveled with its beauty. I am filled with Joy and happiness that never stops flowing. It brings about tears not of sadness or pain but a desire to be like the MOON. There are times that I failed to reflect God in my life story. I desire to fulfill the purpose He has for me. I pray that wherever I may Go. I will be like the moon. Be like the moon that depends on Him. Be like the moon that shines for Him. Be like the moon that serves and adores Him.

As I close my eyes. There will always be a mystery I will always long to unfold in my life. Why things happen like this or how does it goes? But, repeatedly – it all GOES BACK TO HIM. =) for His glory. Be like the moon..to be like the moon..sssssighhhh..

Originally Posted Last:

January 17, 2010 @ 8:28 am