I am easily stressed these past few days and my patience is almost easily disrupted. Irritation is like a one stay away from me. To admit, the things that I am really facing right now is so energy draining – both mental and physical. Punching walls has been my way to relive the tension or I usually open my Facebook account and browse songs at YouTube then download the music with lyrics that I seem to like.
Catharsis and I would say it once again – CATHARSIS. I badly need someone to talk to at my age level of course and the same as my level of maturity. Well, I don’t really need any advice; I just need someone to nod at my sharing or to frown when he does not agree with my arguments. To tell yah, I am bit drained because it seems that for the past months – I guess it’s even more than I year – I have not talked to someone who had listened to my complaints or sour-graping. Nevertheless, I know that there are a lot of friends that I have who can, but I doubt if they have time to understand or to listen.
I’m feeling awfully full of distress inside that it bursting and it tries to go out of me. Had you tried the feeling that you wanted to shout and you were concern with the people around you that may think you were crazy? I need some relief. LOL. It seems like tons of miseries had fallen on my shoulders at an instance.
If ever you wondered why I can’t get involve with someone because I can’t even take good care of myself – our room is very messy, I don’t have time to eat breakfast in the morning, I don’t have sufficient time to look at myself in the mirror. That’s how clouded my world is and remind myself to please check my personal planner.
Writing has been my way to unwind. Once, I had thought of a journal notebook that replies to my writings. Really, I am not kidding. He would say “Hi” to me or even autocorrect my misspelled words or quote my experience and disagree with what I had realized. So weird stuff I had thought of. That’s how I need of a friend more than me playing a kuya to my younger siblings or a classmate who has difficulties with relationships or attachment or being a “dependable” member of an organization (don’t forget the quote). More than these roles that I perform, I want a friend. Maybe, my standard of friendship is just so high that no one could afford it or maybe too cheap that it is not worth buying.
Self-centered can be one of the adjectives that best describes me. I don’t know what others had thought about me but as I begin to look inside – it is full of pride, doubt, fear, and shame. Pride because I refuse to admit I am weak and that I need God more than I know. Doubt because I can’t find total sense of surrender. Fear because it’s better not to expect from others so I just have to do it on my own as always. Shame because everything I said, though of were all wrong and I still do it.
As I recall my experiences, I was looking in the mirror and saw a very thin-man named Francis and said “Lord, my body may be thin but I know my soul is so healthy and well.”. But now, you can try guessing what happened. It seems to be the complete opposite. My physical body has become obese and my soul is the complete view of malnourishment.
But, you know what keeps me running the race amidst these imperfections – GOD’s UNFAILING MERCY and SECOND CHANCES. God is the journal who not just reads what I write but sees me as I do the things I had written on it. God is not just the journal I dreamed to reply on what I had written or quoted and argue with the things I had wrongly realized, but He is the teacher who gives me lessons to continue living, the father who never gives up on His son when he commits mistakes, the friend who never fails to listen and care.
Right now, I have this struggle because of the many friends that I have, I tend to cling more unto them more than God. As I grow old and grow up, I came to simply find strength in me more than finding vigor from Him and in HIM. But I know, it is just a season in my life that I have to surpass and everything’s going to be fine. He is in control.
My Prayer:
Lord, dethrone the people, things or any idolatry in my heart that had dethroned you to be my only source of power and confidence, whether they may be the friends, my talents or abilities, my mentors, my classmates and family or my processions. Let you be the center of my life. Uproot whatever is not from you and let the seeds of goodness coming from Your Spirit continue to GROW. Allow me to knowYour will so that Your will may be done through me. In JESUS NAME I pray. Amen.
Guide Question:
1. What are the things that dethrone God in your heart right now?
2. What are your resolutions?
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