Away from HOME

I wrote this one  page essay during my first year in college , particularly last June 27, 2006 . I studied Eight (8) hours away from our hometown Bayugan,  Agusan del Sur. It was a story of me leaving home and being separated for a long time with my loved ones.

Away from Home

My mother hugged me before I left home. It was the sweetest and the warmest she had left in my memory.

As I saw her face, she was not crying nor was smiling at me – was just an empty space; an empty space, showed no feelings at all. She left me before  I left home, maybe, she didn’t want to show me those tears and worries about what is going to happen in my life as I continue schooling for college.

I walked through the door and the memories with my family in the place where I call home struck me and brought me tears. Tears which flowed from my eyes like a never ending stream of loneliness and miseries.

Away from home, that is happening to me right now. I’m now far away from home , my family and all those people whom I love. I promised myself that, that was my last cry and I will shed my tears until I will be back home.

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Honesty sets us free

Ever since my teacher in technical writing (when I was second year high school ) aught me about Free Hand Writing, I started keeping a journal. I find it a way to express my thoughts and feelings which gives me relief and comfort aside from praying. There was a time when I noticed my mother reading it and I remember I had an entry written about my puppy love or they say crush and that actually made me mad and at some point I stopped writing on it, instead, I often post my entries in a blog at friendster. I guess mothers sure have their ways to look over their children up to the point of personal privacy?

During college, I intended to continue putting journal entries in a blue log book which I carry with me wherever I go. I always find it an avenue to reflect on the events that occurred throughout the day and gives me details on what to do the next day together with my planner. Journal writing is like a time machine in my hands. Whenever I feel sad, I usually look back by reading entries on what I have done the past year of the same day. I noticed how I have grown as a person though sometimes it reminds me of those mistakes I did that affected my self esteem until now.


When I think of movie :The Notebook" or when I thought of Alzheimer or maybe amnesia I always say to myself, it would be handy knowing I have my time capsule.


Today,  I may not religiously write daily in my friendly notebook unlike before but I always make sure to write whenever I find spare time. I don't want to forget those people whom I meet , the experiences we had and the blessings I received.

I'm happy to accept that what I had chosen lead me to where I am right now. Lately, I came to understand better about being honest to myself. Sometimes I prefer to write only the good events and happenings , thus, usually denies reality. Finding this fault, I knew that Honesty will set me free.


When we don't like reality , we tend to lie to ourselves , but, only when we accept the truth that reality hurts so much , then we began to change what is present to what we want it to be. :)

Death be Not Proud

Since I was 2nd year college, I had earnestly longed for Death to come and steal the breathe from me. It was a very frustrating year. I consider it maybe as the darkest days of my life. Friendship, Studies and everything seems to fall apart. The world I move in seems to be very frustrating. I couldn't accept what I have done and what I failed to do. Losing someone special, being rebellious and being a stranger to your self drowned and dragged me to the bottom of Mariana's trench.

Now, those events are nothing but mere memories to me and everytime I look back at those moments, It reminds me how broken I am until now. Day by day I fought for survival. At the beginning, It was hard to wake up your roots knew you don't find any purpose of opening your eyes at all. My bed became my best friend. My pillow comforted me. "What am I suppose to do today?". "Why do I need to move anyway?". My thoughts pushed me to move on the premise that:: "Maybe If I do walk around I might find a reason to wake up next day?".  Daily , I persuaded myself that the reason could be just around the corner.

Days passed and I'm getting better everyday. I began to rise.  I began to dream again. I began to live once more. But I have to forget who I was and be more resilient for the future. Pieces of trust is hard to regain. A friend of mine said "Ones broken, considered sold.". Yes we can mend the broken glass but you need to pulverize every piece of it to rebuild it ones more.


Until now  I still long for Death to come. I am scared maybe because of watching too much horror films in the past. But maybe, after all, death is like the key to unlock the box that imprisoned me all my life. Today, I just wish that things won't end when it is seemingly perfect. I could only hope for it. Not because of the bitterness I had on Earth but because finally after those bitter days comes a better me and a better joy. :)

A Drop of Water

After returning to Philippines from Japan after the Ship for Southeast Asian Youth Program last December 16, 2011, I was indeed filled with so much excitement and enthusiasm after being away for more than a month. Filipino food is such a craving and most importantly the desire to get connected with my family and friends. My college batchmates and I were chatting on our planned reunion on December 22 in Iligan City that night and it was like an overflow of nostalgia knowing that we will see each other once more after more than a year of separation.

Who would have thought that night was a tragic and disastrous experience Iliganons would have in their lifetime. It was typhoon Sendong who devasted our beloved City killing almost a thousands of lives , hundreds were missing and billions worth of properties were destroyed. Few days later were post inviting Psychology graduates and professionals for immidiate intervention but I wasn't available at that time. Later I heard about Health Organization for Mindanao (H.O.M.) that provides psycholigical services and so I decided to be part of the volunteer team for Iligan City.

With the HOM team, we assessed random Evacuation Centers and Internally Displaced Persons to get the over all view on what intervention can be applied. Hearing the cries of the survivors literally teared my heart into pieces especially on how they fight for their lives during the dashing floods. There were several sharings of despair and pian especially those who lost very important persons and it would take a lifetime to heal.

I realized how important and salient our work is as Mental Health Specialist and the urgency of response. The Sendong experience is like a very large rock on our history - but like a drop of water that constantly falls on it, it will soon break , it will wither and someday, it will be a rich soil where plants can grow. Just like every trails we face, together, it will bear fruits and that is one thing I know I will see. And as one HOM Team, we will fight not just for ourselves but especially for our fellow Iliganons who needs us because every Filipino is worth LIVING for and FIGHTING for. And I believe that being a true brother means WALANG IWANAN ( Leaving No One Behind). Together, we will rise. :)

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Inescapable Time: Novel Writing Attempt

Tick.. Tack.. Tick.. Tack.. The sound of the clock seems too loud that it disturbs me. Is it irritating? Not really.. Is it noisy? Not that much I guess.. What time could it possibly be? I really wonder as I continue to lay my body on my bed still closing my eyes imagining what might happen today. Hmmm.. I wonder how Falcon is feeling now after what happened yesterday during our PE class. He has always been good with marathons. It must be very sad that he jumped second from the last after being a consistent on top since 1^st year high school. He seems to be really tired and exhausted and worst, very disappointed which is not the usual Falcon I knew. Actually, were completely opposites, ask me why? Can you say Why? LOL.. because He is very enthusiastic and I am not, he is very optimistic and I’m of a pessimist, he’s an encourager and I always tend to send negative electric impulses to the people around me. They even say that I was not worth a friend for Falcon. I just say that only Falcon cared to listen to me and persevered to gain my trust. Slowly, I opened my eyes and saw the lighting sticker luminescence on my ceiling. They’re beautiful. It’s quite a long time since I had noticed their tiny light – makes me think of my childhood days. My room is still the same as usual. There’s a green curtain on the window facing our backyard where before red roses blooms – when mom was still alive - and near the window, it is my studying table. I still have my Pokemon poster right next to the wall at the back of my bed. The house is quite as usual, still cold and seems so alone. Because, truly I am alone since then.. It’s still 3 in the morning. I guess I woke up early for today’s events. I never wished to wake up untimely, but since I have already opened my eyes, might as well review on my to-do-list. Needed to stand from my bed and switch the lamp on my study table. My eyes are a bit blurry, but , I think I couldn’t go back to sleep anymore. I stood up slowly and walked in a dim light. The moonbeam entered into my room. It was indeed beautiful. I turned on the study lamp and sat down, did some circular head motions to energize me up and yawned a bit. I picked up my daily planner and notebook organizer so I can check my schedule. Let me see, hmm…

February 26, 2010 To-Do-List

1. I have to review my assignment in Physics.

2. Create movie presentation. (Note: Group mates might not be able to do the job so prepare as well)

3. Meeting at 6PM for the Science Club.

4. Prepare slideshow for Group Discussion on History Report.

I always wanted things to be perfect. Everything must be set in an array or else I will rip open into anger that will launch lions outside their jungle - out of dread of me. Being a graduating student in high school has constantly been a challenging job for me. I am the School Science Club President, I am an excellent chess player, a debate coach in our prestigious school and I am working in a writing firm on the internet. I don’t have intimate friends to spend my time anyways. I only hangout with Falcon. They always say I’m ostensibly perfect guy and that I am easily irritated when something gets wrong, but, “Hey! I don’t know how to dance. I don’t know how to sing well! Not even competent of playing instruments like the simple guitar?”, I’m not perfect. That’s how different we are with my friend Falcon. I’m just a regular human looking for someone to comprehend me. But seems life has been unreasonable to me. Hey! Life, are you really unfair? Can you at least defend yourself against the case that I am accusing you of?

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Essence of its Meaning: Life as It is

When I was still a child I thought of asking everyone around me “What is the meaning of life?” or sometimes “What gives life a meaning?”. But, never thought that it would be so mysterious and everyone has his own meaning based on their experiences and on what they have.

A friend told me that life is both a test and a challenge it is because there are lots of trials and sufferings and that everyday we are competing with other people to survive. I said to myself, “that might be the answer.” But, I never ended up searching for answers that would make me be satisfied.

I would recall my mother saying, “Life for me is my family” and that life without us means death to my mother. Love really covered me when II heard her speak those very soft words having fear that can be noticed in the tune of her voice coming out of her mouth.

My wandering never ended in that avenue when I asked our teacher about. “What is the meaning of Life?” and she replied, “Life means simply having fun.” And then she added, “Enjoy life to the fullest for all of us will end up with death.” The last word she spoke with her tongue echoed in my mind – “Death!”. All of us will end up dying and no one could ever escape that.

People around me answered differently or maybe those were just parts of the real answer.

As I sail to find its answer, I never ended up as a failure. I never thought that the answer will just come to me and struck me and there’s no need to search for it because it was all planned - that day when the enlightenment had all happened. When did it happen? How did I know?

It was august 11, 2002 when I joined a camp and I met someone that changed my life and up to now the change continues. That day put a great mark in my life and in my heart and I will treasure it forever.

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