One of the most hating part that I had experience in my life is losing control of myself. i don’t wanna be uncertain of the things around me and inside me. I have one great deal of hang ups that keeps me down. It’s hard for me to be attached to someone - emotionally. I tried to figure out why such reactions happen when I get to intimacy with someone. I don’t want others to know me deeper. Somehow, whenever someone reaches a boundary of my inner self - I’ll try to withraw and keep a distance to that person. I don’t want to be manipulated by anyone. There are really thoughts that keeps my mind wonder “why” I came to be this way. i thought of it that maybe because of my previous relationships - and I am pertaining to friendships and intimate bonds. Those were not really broken ones but to put a word to describe it would be a “CUT-OUT” relationships which means that they were not nurtured and were not continued at all. I amit because our relationship ended because of some circumstances aside from conflicts but the thought in me was - I was left behind. Closeness was really something I wanted to have because it follows that the person will be able to understand you and help you grow as a person, would be willing to correct and would laugh and cry with you. Well, i am not actually seeking for these benefits alone but I long to care for someone whom I could call a bestfriend and moreover is the expression that he calls me his too - a mutual friendship in trust. I am not looking for an exclusive friendship but I wanted to experience something different where I couldn’t just hear but taste the connection between our lives. I never experienced a lasting “group” where I was involve with. I am referring to a barkada. To have outings and the same habits and interest is one of my dreams that only be sensed by a closure of my eyelids. I have actually lots of fears and doubts about myself.
Who said that I am perfect? I am afraid I am not capable of returning the love and concern others have for me and I am also fearful of being trashed away in a group like I don’t belong. Maybe Maslow was right when he said that we need a sense of belongingness. I am afraid to talk because i don’t want to dominate the group and I want them to open their ideas. Maybe things really are complicated the way I see it. When actually, all are supposedly simple as an ABC.
There are much more things that I could lost control of but more certain is that whatever my fears and doubts are - it shows how imperfect i am and how weak I can be. The lesson is that the more I see the my weaknesses and my doubts and fears - the more I shopuld rely and surrender to God. I AM OUT OF CONTROL because I was never in control - It has BEEN MY GOD WHO HAS SAVED ME and will BE SAVING ME. That’s what OUT OF CONTROL IS ALL ABOUT.
Originally Posted Last:
Post a Comment