Decentered 3/17

I am easily stressed these past few days and my patience is almost easily disrupted. Irritation is like a one stay away from me. To admit, the things that I am really facing right now is so energy draining – both mental and physical. Punching walls has been my way to relive the tension or I usually open my Facebook account and browse songs at YouTube then download the music with lyrics that I seem to like.

Catharsis and I would say it once again – CATHARSIS. I badly need someone to talk to at my age level of course and the  same as my level of maturity. Well, I don’t really need any advice; I just need someone to nod at my sharing or to frown when he does not agree with my arguments. To tell yah, I am bit drained because it seems that for the past months – I guess it’s even more than I year – I have not talked to someone who had listened to my complaints or sour-graping. Nevertheless, I know that there are a lot of friends that I have who can, but I doubt if they have time to understand or to listen.

I’m feeling awfully full of distress inside that it bursting and it tries to go out of me. Had you tried the feeling that you wanted to shout and you were concern with the people around you that may think you were crazy? I need some relief. LOL. It seems like tons of miseries had fallen on my shoulders at an instance.

If ever you wondered why I can’t get involve with someone because I can’t even take good care of myself – our room is very messy, I don’t have time to eat breakfast in the morning, I don’t have sufficient time to look at myself in the mirror. That’s how clouded my world is and remind myself to please check my personal planner.

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Outcast 24/7

I really have this strong feeling that there’s an emptiness in my heart right now that bothers me a bit. Is it because I can see that by the end of this semester I will be moving to another place, leaving my comfort zone, my friends, my beloved brothers and sisters in Youth For Christ Langyaw and much more the sweet reminders and comfort of my dear Psych Family are the supportive Guidance and Counseling Center Family. I really wonder why, can you answer me?It’s not really the first time that I had felt it but what I know is that this time is a real big life changing event that is yet to come in my life. How I wish I could stop growing old  and be forever a 20-year old Man and stop seeing the wisdom around me to stop growing up. :(  How I wish I don’t have to think about marriage or where to work but to simply enjoy the fun, freedom and excitement that college life has to offer.If you are reading this blog post, can you relate with me? Am I just being too much of a sentimentalist or allowing the impulsiveness of my emotions to overpower me? Or maybe it’s just normal to feel this way? Many people around the world are experiencing this once or maybe  more often in their lifetime.i just really thought of spending some more time with them. More time to show how I care, show how much I love them, show them how much I care which maybe I had failed to give  my best. It’s a real dilemma that keeps disturbing my being - my individuality.I might be feeling this because after a very long time, I have not been giving my best and just recently I have decided to give more of what has been left reserved in my heart. Finally, I have broke free of my super shield on mode.Right now, I am inspired to Love more like I was never been hurt. Trust like no one has ever broken it. Give cheerful regardless of what I have and moreover Surrender everything to God.Weird isn’t it? How the swing of emotions affects our decisions.  But whatever it is that I am feeling now. Whether it is emptiness or fear.. Our God will always be there for Us. :)For me.. to fill me.. and comfort me. I am missing you all. Will be missing you more. And will constantly pray for everyone whom I love.I am outcast from this feeling of being left behind. I am an outcast from this feeling of emptiness. I am an outcast from this feeling of being alone. God made me an outcast to these by constantly reminding me of His love.  Your also an outcast.  and that’s 24/7.Originally Posted Last:

December 21, 2009 @ 4:08 am

Answered Before I asked

It was a fine day. I forgot to prepare for our report in the morning for our Ethics of The Profession. I was so disappointed of how I was able to not take responsibility over it. Not to mention it was given to me a month ago. I have nothing to do anyway, I dont want to skip classes. I had to admit to our professor that I was not prepared to report in the class.

Honestly, at that point, I was so concerned about our enrichment activity in SPF the afternoon at 1pm. It was a working holiday. As I rushed to school unprepared, I continued to prayed hard asking Him the purpose of why I was not reminded of my report.

The night before, I was reminded by our Jaime Pagatpat Jr. about the booking for the venue and also, Jeffrey Lozada asked me if I had already prepared the Solicitation letter. I left my phone unattended downstairs and I had read the message around 12 midnight before I slept.

Waking up without any money at hand was a sort of disaster. I have lots of persons to contact and especially the events for the upcoming camp on August 8-9. Astoundingly, without asking,God loaded my phone through my mother. I did not asked her to send me a load. At around 7-8 am, she loaded my phone and it was so amazing..

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Out of Control

One of the most hating part that I had experience in my life is losing control of myself. i don’t wanna be uncertain of the things around me and inside me. I have one great deal of hang ups that keeps me down. It’s hard for me to be attached to someone - emotionally. I tried to figure out why such reactions happen when I get to intimacy with someone. I don’t want others to know me deeper. Somehow, whenever someone reaches a boundary of my inner self - I’ll try to withraw and keep a distance to that person. I don’t want to be manipulated by anyone. There are really thoughts that keeps my mind wonder “why” I came to be this way. i thought of it that maybe because of my previous relationships - and I am pertaining to friendships and intimate bonds. Those were not really broken ones but to put a word to describe it would be a “CUT-OUT” relationships which means that they were not nurtured and were not continued at all. I amit because our relationship ended because of some circumstances aside from conflicts but the thought in me was - I was left behind. Closeness was really something I wanted to have because it follows that the person will be able to understand you and help you grow as a person, would be willing to correct and would laugh and cry with you. Well, i am not actually seeking for these benefits alone but I long to care for someone whom I could call a bestfriend and moreover is the expression that he calls me his too - a mutual friendship in trust. I am not looking for an exclusive friendship but I wanted to experience something different where I couldn’t just hear but taste the connection between our lives. I never experienced a lasting “group” where I was involve with. I am referring to a barkada. To have outings and the same habits and interest is one of my dreams that only be sensed by a closure of my eyelids. I have actually lots of fears and doubts about myself.

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0/100 Grasp

It seems like everything is very far away from my grasp with my loving friends and that if I try to overstretch myself, I will be falling into a cliff. I don’t think that I will be able to reach it and finally be able to break free from my past hurts and pains. There is just one option that I knew might work and that if someone would realize that I am in a big trauma of trusting others with all my heart. Can someone break the walls that I set or climb it until he reaches its height? I don’t know if there are still people who’s willing to smash the walls I had built for these years. I wish there were no boundaries nor delimits, but this is me now.For many reasons, I have changed not for the better. I somehow perceive things as me being a walking dead on this earth. It’s hard to always keep your emotions intact when you can freely express it. I want to cry but I can’t or I just couldn’t? I want to shout but I don’t want others to hear my screams and cries! I want to be alone, but I just want someone to understand me. I wish I could fly with the breeze of air that gently touches my skin – it calms me. Like the birds on the top of the trees lying on their nests, I want to rest and sing my own chirps.

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